How to Lower the Bar
When you're feeling stretched thin (and reducing your standards doesn't come naturally)
Hello, dear Practically Deliberate readers! How I’ve missed you!
Some of you have reached out to ask if all is ok.
It is! Thank you for asking.
I’ve been in ‘One Foot in Front of the Other’ Time because my course on making Big Life Decisions ended up taking up A LOT of bandwidth. It wrapped up recently, and it was magical and fulfilling and everything I’d hoped when I decided to offer it. The inaugural cohort was a dream to teach, and I already have ideas about what I’d change next time around. You can sign up here to learn about future dates.
Thank you again to
, , , , and who generously spread the word about the course in their fabulous newsletters (to which you should subscribe immediately).Over the past month, I did my best to take my own advice and leave the goal posts where they are.
But with a hefty new work project on my plate; end-of-school-year madness to navigate; plus the usual kid-borne illnesses circulating (bonus: throw in a kid birthday, just for kicks!) I found myself needing to do more than just not move the goal posts.
I needed to lower the bar.
This is not something that comes easily to me. Exhibit A: When I’d take classes Pass/Fail in college, I’d still get A’s because I didn’t approach them any differently.
Three friends I met in my first job after college (and still maintain an active text thread with today) once assigned ourselves animal avatars; I was a beaver, thanks to my industrious nature.
Beavers are genetically wired to build dams and construct lodges. I certainly relate — which is why I need to be reminded of the power of deliberate rest.
While becoming a parent helped me lower the bar at work (preschool late fees force ruthless prioritization), it also created other areas in which to set the bar high.
I’ve had to actively learn — and re-learn — how to lower the bar.
Today I’m sharing three strategies I use when life gets especially busy and I need to create capacity by lowering the bar.
Get clear on your Minimum Standard of Care
In
’s excellent book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live), she encourages couples to agree upon the “Minimum Standard of Care” (MSC) for the many tasks involved in running a household and caring for others.Getting on the same page about where to (jointly) set the bar for each task helps avoid the inevitable argument that ensues when you unload the dryer only to discover that your partner threw everything from the wash into the dryer, including your beloved cashmere sweater, which now fits your two-year-old (hypothetically speaking, of course).
The idea is borrowed from the legal concept of the “Reasonable Person Test,” which enables judges to resolve disputes by asking whether a “reasonable person” in that same community (exercising average care, skill and judgment) would have acted the same way. Rodsky cites an expert who explains that at its core, the Reasonable Person Test involves determining whether the actions in question caused harm, and if so, how bad was the harm.1
In addition to establishing the MSC for tasks with your partner (or instead of, if you’re not partnered), it can be helpful to utilize this concept with yourself, especially if you are a high bar setter.
Take birthday parties, for example. My mother was a masterful birthday party thrower. Some of my happiest childhood memories include birthday parties she planned and hosted in our home. They’d inevitably involve a creative art project, a homemade cake, and festive decorations (including many balloons).
My husband Ross and I follow Rodsky’s Fair Play approach; I hold the birthday celebrations card, so I take the lead on planning the kid parties.
This year, knowing that May was going to be a doozy, I decided that for our son’s 9th birthday party, I’d repeat what worked for his 7th birthday party. I booked the same venue (which provides entertainment and lunch); limited the invitations to 10 kids; and even got the same party favors we gave out two years ago.
The week of the party, I made a list of what we needed to bring. In addition to drinks and cake, I included balloons. Then I realized this would require a trip to yet another store, decisions about how many balloons to get, what colors, etc.
I took a moment and reflected on my minimum standard of care for birthday parties. I wanted our newly-minted 9-year-old to feel celebrated and have fun. Would my mother have gotten balloons? Of course. But would anyone be harmed if our son’s birthday party didn’t include balloons? No.
I crossed balloons off the list.
Guess what? He still felt celebrated and had fun.
Ask yourself: how could this be easier?
I originally had a different post in mind for today — one about cultivating a deliberate closet. I’ve been thinking about and investigating this topic for a long time, and friends who know me well have encouraged me to write about it for a while.
But it’s a complex post. I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about fast and slow fashion (having worked in a large global apparel brand for nearly a decade); about recommendation culture; and about my own personal deliberate closet journey.
I began drafting that post, but instead of feeling excited to tackle this long-awaited topic, I felt daunted by the prospect of wrangling all my thoughts. So I put it aside, and I asked myself, “how could this be easier?”
My answer is the reason you’re reading a different post.2
Here are other ways I lowered the bar recently by asking myself this question:
Speaking of clothing, I did a big closet purge this spring. Instead of posting the items for sale on Poshmark as I typically would, I invited a few good friends over, encouraged them to take what they wanted, and donated the rest.
This year, my son’s birthday coincided with Mother’s Day. Rather than trying to squeeze in both celebrations on the same day, I decided to postpone Mother’s Day to the following weekend. One of my clients joked that it was “the quintessential act of motherhood to postpone Mother's Day.” Perhaps, but it allowed me to avoid the scheduling gymnastics required to shoehorn two celebrations into the same day.
Ross gave me the Mother’s Day gift I usually request: a massage. But between the birthday party and the course, I kept forgetting to book an appointment. I finally went to the website of my go-to spa only to discover the homepage had changed, and I couldn’t find the link to book my massage; this nearly brought me to tears. I asked Ross if he’d make the appointment for me. He was initially surprised since in 11 years of motherhood, I’ve never requested this, but he said yes (and of course he was able to find the online booking link).
These are non-work examples, but here are some work-related ideas that came up when talking with a few colleagues:
Take people’s comments at face value instead of trying to guess whether there’s subtext underneath.
If you haven’t gotten an email response from someone, try texting or calling them.
If you owe someone a response, thank them for their patience and let them know when you’ll get back to them.
If you’re having trouble seeing how something could be easier, explain the situation to a neutral third-party and ask them for their ideas — chances are they’ll have some helpful ones. They have more distance, and thus, a different perspective.
Double down on your essential habits
Often, advice on lowering the bar is about what to remove (e.g., see if there are meetings you can cancel, invitations you can decline, deadlines you can postpone).
But creating capacity doesn’t always involve subtracting. Sometimes it actually means doubling down on the essential habits that keep your flywheel going.
The above approaches (getting clear on your Minimum Standard of Care and identifying how something could be easier) require discernment and critical thinking — things that are very hard for me to do if my essential habits aren’t in place.
Over my four plus decades on the planet, I’ve identified a few non-negotiable habits that give me the energy required to make my life work. They are:
Sleep: at least 7.5 hours/night
Exercise: Break a sweat at least 3x/week
Relationships: Meaningful connections at least 2x/week3
I’ve identified these habits the hard way: by observing how things go off the rails when they don’t happen.
When I don’t get enough sleep, I think less clearly, move more slowly, and am less optimistic. I’m not at all surprised that studies have found that cognitive impairments due to sleep deprivation are similar to those from alcohol intoxication. I’ve become religious about my bedtime, especially since becoming a parent, which eliminated my ability to sleep in.
Similar to when I don’t get enough sleep, when I don’t exercise, I’m grumpier. I walk regularly and practice yoga, but I’ve found even those aren’t quite enough; I need the extra endorphins that come from breaking a sweat.
A few weeks ago, I found myself in an especially grumpy mood despite getting enough sleep. I looked back at my recent exercise (I use the Peloton app, which makes it easy to track), and I realized that because of an injury followed by an illness, it had been a few weeks since I’d hit my 3x/week sweat goal. I started a cardio/strength bootcamp and felt my mood improve considerably.4
Lastly, as an extrovert, I recharge my batteries by connecting with others. While I love my family dearly, I find that I need dedicated time with people besides the ones I live with to get my batteries full.
This was one of my biggest challenges during Covid lockdown, and now that we’re out and about (but I still work remotely), I make sure my week includes at least two separate plans with people I care about beyond those in my house.
These could be work or social plans (my worlds are becoming increasingly blurry as I find myself working with friends!), but a) IRL > Zoom or phone call and b) bonus points if we can be outside. This afternoon, I’m going to a classical music concert in the SF Botanical Garden with a friend and I can’t wait.
Each of us has slightly different essential habits that keep our lives on track (though the overall list of possible foundation habits is relatively short). Joshua Becker’s are exercise, healthy diet, and solitude/meditation/prayer. Gretchen Rubin talks about sleep, exercise, external order, and diet.
Identifying my own foundational habits and making sure I stick to them gives me the energy I need to make informed decisions about lowering the bar.
Tell me, what essential habits keep the flywheel of your life going?
Abby’s Latest
When it comes to essential habits, here are the three apps I rely on:
I’ve already mentioned Peloton. Hands down, it’s been THE biggest game-changer for me (and Ross) when it comes to exercising consistently. If you’re new, you can get 60 days of the app free when you sign up via this link.
I use the Streaks app to track other important habits, such as mindfulness and walking at least 7,000 steps/day (Streaks syncs with the Apple watch). I also use it to track when I don’t sleep well so I have an accurate log.
For mindfulness, I use the Insight Timer app (I have the free version). I’ve tried the guided meditations on Peloton and Insight Timer, but I always come back to the silent meditation option on Insight Timer. Streaks tells me I have meditated for 126 days in a row (my longest streak ever, thanks to my meditation retreat). Insight Timer shares a quote when you open it, and I recently saw the following quote from Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, which I love: “Mindfulness gives you time. Time gives you choice. Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom.”
Deliberately yours,
Abby
Eve Rodsky, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). (New York: Random House, 2019), p. 151.
I really wanted to include a picture in this post of me in the limbo line at my bat mitzvah party. But that would have required me to go into my garage (or attic, not sure where said photo is), rummage through old albums to find the picture I wanted, and digitize it. Alas, my lowered bar for this post did not allow that.
For me, exercise and sleep go together (when I exercise, I sleep better). Because Ross holds all the food-related cards in our Fair Play deck (e.g., groceries, school lunches, meals), and a healthy diet is one of his essential habits, I get the benefits without having to think too much about my diet. If that wasn’t the case, perhaps I’d list diet in mine, but since it’s already taken care of, I get to focus on something else that gives me energy, which is investing in relationships.
I like Peloton’s programs because choosing them allows me to make fewer choices. This particular program is taught by one of my favorite Peloton instructors, Jess Sims, and involves 3 cardio/strength workouts per week for four weeks.
"Beavers are genetically wired to build dams and construct lodges."
Or, as I like to say "Beavers gotta beave."
Thank you for pointing me to reminders from Alex Sook's book on Rest -- this beaver will have to revisit it heading into a long weekend!
Love this! And what’s the Jess sims program you mentioned? I could use some more exercise and fewer choices…