How to be a Likeable Badass

And why you should care about being one

Today’s newsletter is all about status (hint: not the kind you earn from an airline).

It’s inspired by a new book by

Alison Fragale

called Likeable Badass: How Women Get The Success They Deserve that hits the shelves on September 3.

You should absolutely pre-order it now if you care about succeeding in work and life.

Alison is an organizational psychologist and professor. We first met in an author group a few years ago, and I was struck by how she consistently showed up in her Zoom square as tremendously capable AND deeply caring — in short, as a likeable badass.

Of course I wanted to be friends with her.

To my delight, we are now indeed friends, and I chatted with her recently about her book. We focused on the concept of self-promotion, which is something so important to improving our status that many of us (myself included) have FEELINGS about.

In today’s newsletter (a 9 minute read), you’ll learn:

• What status is and why it matters;

• Why you might be thinking about self-promotion all wrong; and

• Simple ways to promote yourself without feeling icky

The book is a science-backed page-turner (not a description I use often, and I read A LOT of science-backed books!).

It’s based on loads of research (Alison’s and others), and you’ll immediately be able to put her tips into practice.

To prove it, I’ll share several personal examples of what I’ve done and plan to do after reading Likeable Badass.

FUN GIVEAWAY ALERT! Want to win my galley copy of Likeable Badass along with some great swag? Read until the end for a chance to win everything in the picture below (minus the lamp and the plant)!

Let’s get to it!

What is status and why does it matter?

Alison describes status as “how much you are respected and valued by others.”

According to Alison, pursuing status generates much better results than what we’ve typically coached people (especially women) to do, which is pursue power — namely in the forms of getting paid what we’re worth and getting a seat at the table.

Power and status are connected but distinct. You can absolutely have power without status. But be warned: this situation often leads to crankiness (see airport security agents, bouncers, and traffic cops).

Airport security screeners have power but not status (though perhaps the cute dog has both!) Photo by CDC on Unsplash

The problem with focusing on power first is that resources typically follow respect, not the other way around. If you want to change how much you’re paid and get a seat at the table, you’d be wise to focus first on getting others to respect you.

Being respected and valued by others is a fundamental human need. How fundamental? Alison told me that “lacking status is just as damaging as living a life without friends.”

You should absolutely pay attention to your status and do what you can to increase it. And that includes engaging in self-promotion. If you also groan inwardly when you hear that, then read on to learn three of Alison’s tips that make this easier.

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Reframe self-promotion

The notion of self-promotion feels icky to many of us. But Alison suggests that a reframe is in order.

Self-promotion isn’t bragging; it’s being the source of your own information.

Alison points out that everything someone else knows about you — the information they use to determine their opinion of you — comes entirely from a) what you put into the world about yourself, and b) what other people put into the world about you. We’ll break these both down in turn.

Whether you like it or not, you’re an information source. Every time you show up in front of another person, you’re putting information into the world. You can’t opt out; the only choice you have is what information you provide.

So what information should you share to increase your status?

Here’s the key — and the reassuring part for those of us who value humility — it’s NOT how awesome you are.

The science says that when people evaluate you, they’re paying attention to TWO things:

1. How capable are you? (Can I trust you to do a good job?)

2. How warm are you? (Do you care about people other than yourself?)

For you to be considered a Likeable Badass, both of these things need to be true, regardless of gender (but especially for women). You need to be perceived as both Likeable (warm, caring, friendly) and a Badass (assertive, competent, confident).

If self-promotion is being the source of your own positive information, the positive information should focus on your competence and warmth. The good news? There are many ways to get this information out in the world.

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Reclaim small opportunities

Self-promotion needn’t involve grand gestures or social media (though Alison and I are both fans of LinkedIn). Small moments can serve as low-stakes opportunities to practice sharing information that builds your status.

Here are a few Alison mentions:

• The “How are you?”: When someone asks how you’re doing, don’t merely say “good” or “busy.” Use your answer to share something true that might inspire curiosity and paint you in a positive light. Did you just complete a big project? Start collaborating with someone you admire? Hear great news about someone you’ve mentored? Share that instead!

• The update meeting: When giving an update to your boss or a client, give a shoutout to another person who had a hand in the positive results you’re sharing. The strategy of dual promotion (promoting yourself and someone else at the same time) makes you look both capable and caring.

• The out-of-office response: When putting an auto-reply on your email, get creative! Will you be attending a conference? Mention that, and offer to share insights once you’re back for those who are interested. Leading an offsite? Mention that, and offer a referral to the great vendors or business partners you worked with to plan it. If you merely note that you’re away from your email and when you’ll return, you’re missing an opportunity to make a small deposit that builds your status.

Once you start looking for small ways to communicate your competence and warmth, and you’ll start seeing them everywhere.

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Recruit others to help

If the first source of information about you is what you put out in the world, the second source is what other people say about you.

It can go a long way if others say good things about you. No one is going to come for them if they go on and on about how awesome you are.

So how can you increase the likelihood that other people will promote you?

Alison shared a few of her own rules:

1. Say nice things about them first. Because reciprocity governs social interactions, if you build their status, they will want to return the favor. Alison told me that anytime she thinks something nice about someone, she doesn’t “let it die” inside her own head. She makes the 3-minute commitment to tell them or someone else via email or text.

2. Try to find an answer to questions you’re asked (rather than saying “I don’t know”). Sure, this takes a little time, but it’s a way to add value and enables you to show up as giving.

3. Make introductions. Connecting two people in your network is an effective way to show up as capable and caring. (Just make sure both sides agree to it first — a pet peeve of mine is receiving an “unauthorized” introduction from someone who didn’t check in with me about it.)

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My personal Likeable Badass practice

Feeling a little daunted? I get it. But you can start small! Like yoga and meditation, being a Likeable Badass is a practice that can evolve over time.

Flashback to my preschooler’s early pandemic yoga practice (complete with meditation cushion as laptop stand)

I already practice the art of the introduction and the strategy of dual promotion, so I’m choosing to:

• Share my wins more often: Entrepreneurship is an emotional rollercoaster, and because of our brain’s negativity bias, we are wired to dwell on the lows more than the highs. I started keeping a note in my Apple Notes app called “Remember the Wins,” where I capture my wins, big and small. When someone asks me how I’m doing, I try to mention one of these specific wins, which has the added benefit of reminding me of them.

• Compliment with abandon: I immediately adopted Alison’s rule to never let a nice thought or compliment die inside my head. This has led to several lovely interactions that themselves were delights, adding bright spots to my day (while apparently building my status). I can confirm it really only takes a few minutes to text, call, or email someone to pay a compliment when it’s on your mind.

• Upgrade my out-of-office reply: It’s conference season, and I’m looking forward to several speaking engagements over the next few months. Candidly, I’d love to be doing even more. While I’m at these events, I’ll add information to my out-of-office response about where I’m speaking with an offer to share insights when I return. This will remind those who email me that I speak and facilitate workshops (more info here!) and enable me to show up as giving.

What about you? In the comments, I’d love to hear which of these tips you already do well and which you’re planning to try out in your own life.

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Abby’s Latest

I took a girls’ trip last month, and my friend Wendy showed up to our early morning flight with her own container of overnight oats (a move I 100% respect).

Her oats looked good, so I asked her for the recipe. She shared it and I’ve been eating it as an afternoon snack for the past few weeks. I can confirm it’s delicious and filling (meaning, it keeps me from eating allll the things between 5-7 pm).

Now I’m sharing it with you via a gifted link, along with Wendy’s pro tip that the dried blueberries from Trader Joe’s are the perfect size and require no cutting. I mash up 1/4 of a banana in the bottom of the container before adding the other ingredients (no other sweeteners needed).

The fun bonus? The recipe is by Genevieve Ko, a likeable badass I’ve had the good fortune to know since fate assigned us to the same suite our freshman year of college. I love getting to hype my talented friends!

Deliberately yours,

Abby

P.S. If you’d like to enter to win my galley copy of Likeable Badass (along with some cool swag), you can do so here or via the button below by 5 pm PT on Sunday, August 25. But you should also just pre-order your own copy to ensure you can read all of Alison’s wisdom!

P.P.S. Get more great tips by following Alison on LinkedIn and subscribing to her newsletter,

The Upper Hand with Alison Fragale

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